TP Issues

Oh what a story...grab a kleenex as you might laugh until you cry.

I think I've mentioned before that my friend and I are walking in an effort to move more and add that dreaded exercise component to our weight loss efforts. The park where we walk is really nice. The walking track is paved and very well lighted. I always feel safe when I'm out there walking. The only thing that didn't look so hot were the bathrooms. Now, please picture in your head your worst camping trip bathroom experience. This was worse!

I should probably back up a bit and explain that before we'd gone to walk, I had drank a large amount at dinner. Normally I'm one that can hold my liquids, but not tonight...unfortunately.

We were half way around the track on our first lap when I realised there might be a problem. We talked about how dilapidated the bathrooms looked (I mean they have old time jail cells out in front of them...seriously) and I decided that I would just hold it for the remaining mile we planned to walk. Unfortunately, the further around the track we went the more I felt the need to go. So, when we got over there by the bathrooms, I just told Nina I didn't have a choice.

I briefly thought the jail cells were kind of fun and thought about bringing a camera for a photo opportunity the next time. Turning my eyes to where the door to the bathroom would be I found another iron gate looking thing. Strange, but when you've got to go...you really are only focused on one thing. Stepping into the bathroom I almost peed right there. Instead of stalls there were just toilets with concrete barriers between them.

Are you picturing this...NO doors, NO privacy, and in the first stall NO toilet paper...well not counting the wet, stuck to the floor pieces. Everyone take a moment for the involuntary shiver that you just had on the heels of that thought.

So, I quickly turn to leave, but my bladder apparently doesn't give a hoot about what the bathroom looks like. It is either pee in here or pee in my pants outside. Gosh, some choices are so hard to make! I yelled for Nina to stand watch. By this point, she's laughing and probably thanking her bladder for its holding capacity. I venture further into the bathroom (and I use the term so loosely) and find about 12 squares of toilet paper on the roll. I carefully pull off some and strategically place them around the seat of the toilet. I definitely planned to squat, but you never know.

Thank goodness for thinking ahead. Just as I bent my knees and got ready to do my business, I noticed the puddles on the floor (I'll leave any further description to your imagination...which you're probably now wishing wasn't vivid) and in my efforts to pull up the hem of my jeans, I lost my balance and landed on the toilet paper covered seat. At this point, I simply wanted to find relief and get the heck out of there. I finished quickly, wiped, flushed, and went to wash my hands. At which point in time I discovered no soap and no paper towels. Seriously, that just wouldn't fit with the decor right? I scrubbed my hands with cold water and let them air dry as we continued on our way.

Now, back on the trail, Nina and I are walking and talking when I notice that I don't feel right...back there. Trying to be discreet, I feel up my own rear. I'm sure the old man with the dog behind us found this very funny. Anyway, I finally mention my unease to Nina. Then (because I've obviously forgotten where we are...which is on the most lighted and populated part of the trail...and all the manners my mama taught me...you do not put your hands down your pants) I lift my shirt and reach back into my jeans. What do you suppose I come up with?

Yeah...a wad of toilet paper. I pull out a square or two and then in a fit of humiliation and total amusement I toss it to the ground. Yes, I know. I littered. Get over it. We walk about ten feet further and I realize I didn't get it all. So I reach back in again. Let me stop right here and say I don't know what came over me...I just had to get the TP out of my crack. (Yeah, my mama is rolling her eyes right now.) I find another wad and again toss it to the grass.

At this point, Nina is giggling hysterically. While I mention that I think I've got it all, she lets me know that I don't. Now it is hanging out of my jeans. I ask her to get it (and I'd return the favor of pulling TP out of her pants...you know if she ever had some hanging out of them) and she says no among her giggling fit. So, I reach back there and that is when Nina points out that there are people behind us.

Oh the shame....

Here I've been pulling TP out of my own pants and tossing it on the ground with an entire audience behind us. I'm sure they had a great laugh. I'll be lucky if I'm not asked to check my pants at my car before I step foot on the track.

Now, dab your eyes people and learn from me...peeing your pants is always a viable alternative, make sure TP stays where it belongs...which isn't in your pants, don't litter (there you green people...that make you feel better?), and if you feel like you've got something in your pants that shouldn't be...check it out when you get home.

I mean it folks...learn from me.