Seriously...More?

I'm beginning to think that this blog is really just a place where I can chronicle all the bad stuff that seems to fall into my life. What a horrible attitude to have right? Believe me, I'm trying to stay positive. I'm sure that somewhere I asked God for patience or understanding or to simply help me grow and well...He's answering prayer. Oh Lord...must all growing be painful?

Yesterday, we found out that my dad has skin cancer. While no one really was prepared for skin cancer, we're not surprised. My dad was a construction worker for many many years and even today still works mostly outside. The cancer is on his ear and has been there a while (you know men...never want to see a doctor) so they can't just burn it off or freeze it off. Next Tuesday he'll go in and have a local numbing thing and they will cut it off. Supposedly the doctor is really good and knows his cancer so we're all confident that he'll get it all. The only real concern is that if the cancer is deep then there might not be enough skin left to stitch back together the hole. The doctor mentioned skin grafts, but that is a bridge to cross when they come to it.

Surprisingly there is some humor to be found in that...I asked my mom where would they get the skin from and she said maybe his leg or maybe his butt. Of course, why would they put leg skin...with leg hair on it...on his ear. Then I had the thought that he does have some ear hair so what difference would that make. I was sharing this little bit of funny with my friend Rachel and was mentioning that he might have butt skin on his ear to which she reminded me that some guys have hairy butts. So...Daddy might have some funky hair growing out of his ear if grafting is required.

When I first heard, I was understandably upset and scared. And if you don't understand that then you'll want to stop reading right here... My rational, clear thinking brain knew that if he's got to have cancer then this is the kind to have. I know that it isn't on the same level as lung cancer or such. I know that he's got an experienced doctor and that this isn't the bad kind that might spread. Once it is removed, most likely he'll be 100% fine. I know that it doesn't require radiation or chemo...just a local numbing thing in the office and he can go to work the next day. My heart though...it locked on the word cancer. Cancer is bad...people die from cancer. I was scared and worried and needed to have a moment to just be freaked out.

I had three wonderful friends whose first words when I told them were to the effect of disbelief and concern for me and my family. Then came the encouraging words of "It'll be okay!" and "Usually this kind of cancer is treatable and curable!". I had some people rush into saying "Oh you won't have to worry about that." and "That really isn't the bad kind" and "I"m sure he'll be fine." I felt like my feelings and concerns weren't valid. I, unfortunately, took one person's head off even though I know he was just trying to be supportive. The others I just tried to not be sarcastic to and look at their intentions.

My mom said it best...we're sensitive because it is our person that we love so the whole cancer thing (even if it is the kind that shouldn't freak people out and that isn't really much a blip in terms of cancer) effects us differently. I know those people were being supportive and caring. I was just sensitive (and in some cases overly sensitive) to the comments. So, I'm thinking that I'm not going to tell anyone else. Tuesday will come and Wednesday will roll in cancer free so why make a big deal right?

I've shaken off those first frightening reactions to the news, and more calm about things. Still, I feel like saying seriously God...please no more.

A Life That Was Changed

Oh where to begin...

My grandmother passed away very suddenly and unexpectedly last Monday, December 22. It doesn't seem possible that only seven days have passed...it feels like forever ago.

I was just starting to come awake when I heard my mom say, "Oh my gosh!" followed by a long pause and then I heard her crying. You know that sound can never be good when followed by tears. I stumbled out of bed and in the living room I found my mom with her hands covering her face and my dad with his arms around her. I asked what was wrong and received no answer. Finally after asking yet again, my mom said that Mimi was on her way to the hospital in an ambulance. At that point all we knew was that they feared something had burst in her brain.

My dad decided to go on to work, but left us with instructions to call him as soon as we knew something. Unfortunately we didn't have to wait long. My aunt called back to say that Mimi was unconscious, not breathing, and that CPR was failing to bring back her heartbeat. It became apparent that we were not going to make it to her in time to say goodbye. After calling my dad to return home, my mom and I set about frantically trying to decide what we'd have to do to be ready to go. A short few minutes later, my aunt called again...Mimi was gone.

The "after" has seemed to pass in a blur. The conclusion was that she suffered a brain aneurysm. Thankfully, the amount of time she was actually in pain was very brief. The family had a private viewing on Tuesday and a memorial was held on Friday. In among those two heart wrenching events, my family tried to have some semblance of Christmas. Believe me, it was a hollow lackluster shell of what this holiday normally is for my family. I'm sure that just about the time this deep wound stops bleeding we'll be called together to intern her ashes and this hurt will surface again.

I know that my family isn't the first to lose a loved one at the holiday and I'd never want to make light or discount another person's hurt, but this has truly been devastating for me. My paternal grandparents have both passed along with great grandparents, but I don't remember it feeling this acute. Perhaps it was because of when I thought of grandmothers I thought of her. Maybe it just seems so unreal because I just saw her and hugged her and told her I'd see her in just three short weeks for Christmas. Perhaps it is seeing my mom go through this and realizing just how unpredictable life can be. I suppose mainly the shock of it and how unexpectedly it happened is what truly is hurting my heart.

As a family of Christians and believers in Christ, we know that Mimi is no longer suffering or experiencing any pain. For that I am grateful, but to be completely honest it does little to ease the hurt and sense of loss I feel today. I wrote a short piece to be read at the memorial and in that I quoted Isaiah 26:3-4. Yes, on one hand there is a great peace in knowing that Mimi is forever comforted and in the loving hands of Jesus. On the other, my heart is aching at the loss.

At the memorial the song Thank You by Ray Boltz was played and as I listened to those lyrics I realized just how much my life has been blessed and changed because I was given the privilege of having Mimi in my life even though the time was short. I would encourage each and every one of you to tell your loved ones just how much you love them. Wrap your arms around their necks and hug the stuffin' out of them. You are beyond lucky to still have that chance as you never know when it might be too late.

I also want to say thank you to the friends who have let me cry and rant on your shoulders. A special thank you to the friends who simply just sit in quiet with me and let me process. You all mean very much to me.

A Mama Is...

All week I've wondered what project to have the kids do for Mother's Day. Some classes are making vases out of plastic water bottles covered in tissue paper squares dipped in clue. Some are sticking their pictures on a flower that says, "I love you Mom!". And we're writing a poem.

Yep, I can really let it flow here...always (well not so much these days but 360 posts prove I'm somewhat) wordy. Today when I gathered my kids around for writer's workshop to demonstrate how to write this poem I had trouble. It wasn't that I didn't have anything to say, but I found that I had so much to say.

My mom is so much more than my mom. I didn't realize that until I was an adult living life out on my own. She's my mama. She's my best friend. She's always there. She keeps me grounded. She taught me to see that there is a bigger picture. She's shared her faith. She's my mama...my kids don't understand that. But I hope they will one day.

So, here is my poem.

A Mama Is...

By: Steff

A Mama is "I'll love you always...no matter what."

A Mama is strawberry cake to finish off a birthday dinner.

A Mama is a safe place to fall when the world has been cruel.

A Mama is a loud cheer in your corner when the world has been exceedingly kind.

A Mama is the scent of fresh laundry.

A Mama is always there even when she is miles away.

A Mama is what I want to be.

I love you Mama!

12:41

It is after midnight. Where should I be...bed. Where am I...in front of the computer. My body is tired and begging for bed, but I can not shut my mind off. There are so many things rattling around up there.

I'm worried that I won't find another job and I'll be stuck in the hell that is where I work.

I'm frustrated because I'm not in control right now. I hate having any of my ducks out of a row and right now the job duckie (a huge duckie) is missing altogether.

I'm disappointed in myself that I hate where I am and while I'm making efforts to change where I am and daily trying to find the positive I still hate where I am. I hate that I hate it.

I'm excited about an upcoming vacation (to Amman, Jordan this Christmas!)

I'm trying to stay in perspective when it comes to this guy. My emotions are trying to run wild, but my head (and mother) are shouting back perspective perspective perspective.

My bed is calling and I really should return. I still feel like sleep is a long way off, but perhaps I'll rest more if I'm under the covers with the lights out.

Mind...go to sleep!

What To Call This...

***Disclaimer: This isn't a post to put anyone in a good mood. If you're on a happy high, well...first I envy the hell out of you right this minute, but you might want to stop reading. This post will be filled with self-doubt and probably a smidgen of self-pity thrown in. Read at your own risk.***

Today was not one of my better days. Being out yesterday really threw me off. This week is packed with activities and programs along with all the learning still expected to take place. Also, my being out was unexpected so my desk wasn't ready for a sub to sit down at and the meticulous plans that I normally leave were no where to be found. I have an emergency folder, but it is basically busy work. Anyway, yesterday the teacher that normally helps out my sub did what she could to keep things rolling. Also, another teacher tossed out a few ideas too. And this is the root of the whole problem.

When I'm out I want my sub to maintain my kids where they are...not introduce and teach them more. I'm sure some teachers reading this will completely disagree and some will understand exactly what I'm talking about here. I truly believe that it is a personal preference and doesn't mean that I'm a horrible teacher.

Just to keep things as clear as possible, lets say that K is the teacher I want helping my sub and kids the most and B is the other one. It is also fair to say that B and I don't share the same philosophy when it comes to subs and teaching. She instructed the sub to introduce a new topic and to do guided reading with my kids. These are two things that I would never ask a sub to do. K knew this. Yesterday wasn't the best day for my kids or for the sub. I'm not saying the sub did a bad job teaching, but he did things very differently from me and two people today told me that he was teaching an important concept wrong.

This is the part that I handled badly. I believe that when you are wrong you should say it, apologize, and move on. When I found out B was the one who asked him to do these things I became frustrated. There is a lot of background that I won't get into, but I wish she'd just let K handle things. When I saw her I snapped at her. She was being nothing but friendly this morning. She asked me what I was doing (and at the time I was putting treats in teachers' boxes) and I waved my hand in a dismissive gesture and said, "Passing things out." Yes, I snapped at her for something very minor. As soon as I did it, I regretted it and knew that it had probably hurt her feelings. I also knew she was pissed at me so I thought I'd let it go for a while and talk to her at the end of the day.

This afternoon I knew that I needed to apologize for my behavior this morning, but I also needed to talk to her and explain why I was upset about what she'd told the sub to do. I apologized and probably wasn't as appreciative of the fact that she was trying to help. Well, she let me have it when it was her turn to talk. I'm sure I deserved to hear that I need to think before I speak and probably that I should just be appreciative that someone was looking out for my kids in my absence. What I wasn't prepared for was her attack on my character, commitment to teaching, and professionalism. It hurts just having those words playing in my head so I'm not sure I can put them all down in writing. Besides, what if they are all true and then you fine people will know some horrible truth about me.

Apparently, I rub on her last nerve as much as she rubs on mine. This was the perfect opportunity for her to let me have it. I'm sure she felt justified. Either way, I really didn't do much except stand there and take it. Well, I shouldn't say that I took it all...I did fire back a few choice words. And then that just seemed to add credit to her assault. Anyway, when I left I was near tears and I'm not sure what she felt exactly. Back in my room, I was waging an internal battle. On one hand, I knew that the hurtful things she said were not all true. Actually very little of what she said was true, but it hurt all the same. Then on the other hand, I was filled with a lot of self-doubt. What if what she said was really true and I'm just in denial about it? This is a time when one of those compliment jars would come in so handy!

So, tomorrow morning at 7:30 I have to walk into our weekly team meeting and start to try and alter some of these perceptions she has of me. I can only keep in mind that tomorrow is a new day...or so they say. I know that I have things I can do to send more peaceful thoughts down our hallway, but we all do. As K said, it is time to kill her with kindness (even if I think at the moment that might kill me!).

Lock Down

Our school went into lock down today. That basically means that you need to stay in your classroom and lock your doors. You also need to know where your kids are at all times. The whole lock down happened because a prisoner escaped from a local prison, killed a prison guard, took a hostage, and was considered armed and dangerous. I suppose this situation is bound to happen what with living in a town known for it's prison system. The whole situation was resolved by late this afternoon, but not without the death of at least one person and several people probably traumatized. Thankfully, the kids were blissfully unaware of what was happening outside of the school walls.

The world we live in is a scary one. In college, the professors don't teach you what to do when the angry student confronts you with a gun or what to do with the verbally abusive parent who thinks you can do no right in regards to his child. How to comfort the child that had no food last night and no one to tuck her in isn't a class you'll find in any course catalog. The strength and courage to put yourself on the line for a child that isn't yours is something that you must already have inside when you decide to become a teacher.

Even though I knew we were relatively safe inside our classroom and our day continued without upset, I couldn't help but think about what we'd do if for some reason we weren't completely safe. And I knew that I'd do whatever I could do to protect those sixteen babies in my classroom. One of my boys asked me later in the afternoon why we went into lock down. I told him that sometimes it is important to practice ways that teachers keep students safe. He replied with, "You'd keep me safe?" What else could I say? "Of course I'd do anything I could to keep you safe." Whatever that anything might be, I know that something inside of me would would allow me to do it without a second thought or a moment's hesitation. And that is kind of scary too.

Gone But Not Forgotten

This morning I received a very unsettling message from a friend that said "please call me as soon as you get this. It's important...". You just know that these kind of messages aren't something good. I was on my way out the door for an appointment and then on to school so I wasn't able to call this morning. When I got to school, I opened an email from another friend in the same circle. That gut feeling from this morning was right. My friend's mom passed away on Monday.

I've known this friend and her family since second grade (almost twenty years) so it hurt to know that her mom had passed away. I knew that her mom had had heart trouble in the past, but I wasn't prepared to learn that it was just a routine procedure she had gone in for. It was something she'd had done before without any incident. In one of those freak things, she coded and they weren't able to bring her back. My friend lives in Washington these days and I can only imagine what her flight home yesterday must have been like; the whys and simply the shock of the whole situation. It simply breaks my heart.

All day long I've been remembering all the times I was over at her house, all the times her mom hugged me and treated me just like another kiddo. The memories are vast and long. And my heart is sad tonight. Any life that is lost is tragic, but when it happens so unexpectedly there are so many questions and so many what ifs. When I called my friend tonight she seemed to be doing okay and so in control. I'm sure that the hurt is coming and going. And I'm sure it will for a while to come too.

I couldn't help but think about my mom today. She isn't in the best of health and this makes me realize how important are the times we have together. I'm pretty sure that my world will crumble if anything happens to my mom. She's my rock. I feel a little guilty tonight because I can call up my mom and tell her I love her and my friend can't.

So, if you're a praying person, please just take a minute and lift this family up in prayer. There are a lot of shocked and shattered people tonight. It's not important to know her name or all the details, but God will know who you're asking prayer for and that is what is a true comfort.

Thank you, friends!

Back In My Groove...Sorta

I wish I could say that this post was being typed at my computer, but alas this is not the case. I thought I might have lost some of the pleasure I take from updating my blog, but you'll be relieved to know that it is still here. There are so many things to say and updates to give. Forgive me, but you know how much I adore a good list.

First, I owe some thank-yous. Mike, thank you for keeping my blog company while I was (well...am still) away. It sounds like you've kept the masses (and my mother) highly entertained. And thankfully my reputation is still in good shape! Seriously, I know you've probably got a lot better things to do than baby-sit my blog. I do appreciate it. Everyone who left birthday wishes, thank you for the well wishes. I rang in my quarter centuryness in high fashion. I got to spend time with my parents, eat my mom's fabulous strawberry cake, shop, get gifts, and love all over one incorporative kitty. It was wonderful! It's too bad birthdays only come once a year. Perhaps this year I'll take my good friend D's advice and start celebrating my half birthday too. And finally to my mom, thanks for having a sense of humor and not rolling your eyes and saying my name in that way that means how could you find something like this amusing when you read my blog!

Second, are you dying to know about the computer situation? Well, after finally finding the time to take my computer to the repair guy (its harder than you think considering we have the same working hours) I decided to just invest a few bucks (and by that I mean a moderate sum of bucks) now and continue to save for the laptop. Anyway, I have my new computer at home and set up. I have to again make time to be home when the cable company can be there to come and reinstall or whatever it is they do to my computer so that my internet...and my connection to you lovely people...is restored. Hopefully that will happen by this weekend!

Third, remember that Halloween party I mentioned I was going to throw? Well, it is this Saturday. So far only three people have RSVPed...I'm hoping that more will come. I've picked out an adorable purple and black witch's hat and a purple feather boa to wear. Won't I just be the witchest thing around? I'll try to post some pictures...assuming that I can load the software on my computer without crashing it this time.

Fourth, there are some interesting conversations that take place in the comments box. Y'all do go back and re-read those don't you? Those of you with tracker devices on your blog...I promise I'm not stalking (except for a certain blogger...him I'm trying to catch with his pants down...just kidding!) but I like to see how the writer responds to comments. I try to reply to most comments with some witty zinger. Sometimes I fail in the witty department, but nonetheless there are some interesting "conversations" that take place in the comment box. For example, those of you who haven't read the previous post's comments since you posted should check out the exchange between my mom and Mike. I found it highly entertaining. (And by the way Mom...yes you are a ton of fun! But since this is my blog, let's only talk about my pajamas okay? :op That eye rolling thing I mentioned before...it's happening now...LOL)

Fifth, I know this is a serious note to toss in with the rest of this gibberish, but Sunday my great grandmother passed away. (My other great grandmother passed away at the end of August. I didn't blog about it because I had conflicting feelings and it was a little raw to talk about.) Today was the funeral. It was hard. What else is there to say? I read somewhere that just because a death is anticipated and the grieving process might start before the death doesn't ease the pain of losing a loved one. My heart is sad tonight...for so many people, for so many reasons. I'd ask for those of you that are the praying sort to please send up a prayer for my family as we go about the going on.

If you've read to this point, thanks. I know it was long, but you held out until the end. What a trooper! Hopefully, the next post will come from my own computer and my own internet.