When You Are This Far Behind...

...you never catch up.

But, I'll give it a shot.

Bethany, yep I'm alive but just sort of wrapped up in myself at the moment. This is about the time of year that things start that ever faster spinning. I'm trying to manage everything I can because there are several things beyond my control.

My mouth has finally decided to take a break from seeing how much pain it can endure and started to heal. I've been pain med free for several days now. Actually, besides being a master flusher now (trust me...it isn't as icky as it sounds!), I don't think twice about those holes at the back of my teeth much anymore. And thank goodness the antibiotics have finally worked their way out of my body (in the most unpleasant of fashions might I add...).

So, while one part of my body has recovered another part has decided to break down. Well, break down probably isn't the best way to describe it. I've been spiking low grade temps for the last several days. I went to the doctor yesterday afternoon and naturally wasn't running fever, but she did think it was worth some lab work. Apparently when they don't know what is wrong with you they test you for everything under the sun. The lab tech took five viles of blood. It was a wonder I was able to walk out under my own steam. To her credit the stick didn't hurt, but by the third vile I was starting to feel woozy. Surely, they can find something in there to explain why my body is going wacky.

I think I'm finally free from HISD (I just want to say it one time...Hell ISD). A couple of weeks ago I called to see what the hold up was in getting my exit interview scheduled. Well, my principal ( you know the one that loves me and thinks I'm the greatest thing to effect the teaching profession) never signed off on my resignation so it was effectively stalled. Now, she signed off on others, but mine managed to slip through the crack. (Breathe in...breathe out...let it go... Sorry, mental pep talk there.) I had to go in and ask for my exit interview to be scheduled and fill out some forms to have my service records sent to SISD. I also gave them my new address information too. I was assured that a certified packet with exit interview materials would be mailed to me within the week. Well, two weeks later and still no paperwork. I called yesterday to find out what the hold up was only to be told that the secretary filled something out wrong and that was why I hadn't been sent anything. And of course they can't do anything until that paperwork has been filled out so again effectively stalled. I went in yesterday and filled out the forms and turned in my badge. You know I don't think I had to work this hard to get hired! Anyway, hopefully all is said and done. There is still plenty to be said and lots of wrongs I still feel haven't been addressed, but, as I told someone yesterday, there are some battles that just aren't worth the fight.

I also haven't been able to get into my new school, which is undergoing renovations. It will be open on August 15. That is ten days before school starts. Yep, I'm nerve wracked because I like to have everything in its place and settled before the year starts. At least I'm not the only one...every teacher (except for four lucky ones) at the school had to pack up this year due to the renovations. I guess that means I'll be in good company, but still a stressful thing. Because I didn't want to have all my stuff (and boy did I accumulate a lot in two years) cluttering up my apartment, I had to rent a storage building for the month of August. I swear it never ends!

Now for the most disturbing news...my baby is sick. Nine days ago I took Toby in for his first round of vaccines and a check up at the vet. The place I took him came highly recommended but I just didn't feel comfortable. The doctor didn't speak much to me rather than the nurse, they kept taking him out of the room for tests (which I know they do, but I've had two vets that did everything right there in the room), and when I called to explain his new symptoms they sort of brushed me off. I know I don't have kids, but Toby is my baby and no Mama (human or feline) likes to be brushed off when her baby isn't acting normal. So, I dumped them and called the vet I started to go with in the first place. Toby hasn't been eating as much (a drastic change from his routine) and has started drinking more water. Also, he's been crying in the litter. This isn't really new, but it has become more animated. I was fully prepared to be told I was an over-reacting pet parent, but instead I was told that Toby has fever, is pale, and that they needed to keep him to watch him and run more labs. Walking out of the vet's office without him was really hard. Hopefully, they will only need to watch him this morning.

For anyone putting together a connection between my unexplained fever and Toby's unexplained illness wait...my mom is three steps ahead of you. It might be possible that the two are related (he's getting much better at taming the clawing and biting, but just last night drew blood on my thigh) but I'm waiting to toss that out to either doctor until someone knows something for sure.

While this probably isn't everything, it is enough to give you a taste of things going on in my life. Even with a few bumps along the way, I'd still say things are going good! And I guess that is all that matters, huh?

Yes...Still Alive

I know...way to long between posts! You'll just have to forgive me.

First, thank you all for the congratulations. I am very excited to say the least about my new position. It is exactly what I wanted and I'm looking forward to being in a new positive environment. Please keep praying and sending good thoughts as it isn't "final" yet. The principal went on a week long in-service retreat (to Vail, CO...yeah...) and did not get all the paper work to HR yet. She told me today that she will be taking it to HR tomorrow. Normally this wouldn't be a problem, but I'm on a deadline. I'm still under contract with HISD and will be locked in after July 11 so while I'm confident that it will all be resolved I'm still nervous. I can't wait to as someone put it, "tell her to shove it." Anyway, enough of that. Y'all understand how I feel about my current principal.

Now, on to the move. Everything went so smoothly. I'm telling you, movers are worth every single penny! They had me packed up, moved, unloaded, and were on their way by 11am last Saturday. There were only two of them too. Like I said...worth every cent.

My mom stayed with me the past week to help me unpack and decorate my new apartment. I don't have any pictures now, but I will soon. I love it! It feels like home and I have more space too. Which for a girl like me is always a good thing! My mom and I worked at a steady pace and while everything was in its place when we left yesterday we were worn out. Moving isn't for the faint of heart!

Now, I'm in Abilene. I'm here to visit with my parents for a couple of weeks. Also I'm having some dental surgery done. I'm having all my wisdom teeth out next Monday. There are four of those suckers. One has behaved and is just ready to be pulled. Two are impacted and laying sideways. And one is flush against my jaw bone. I have a feeling this won't be an easy removal as my oral surgeon said, "You'll be cussing me the next day." Yeah...I can't wait.

Other than all that, I'm doing well. Toby is growing like a weed and he is so adorable. Of course I'm sure all pet parents think their pet is the most adorablest (yeah I think that is a word...) but y'all...Toby really is the most adorable kitty! I'll have to post new pictures of him too. Unfortunately, he isn't getting along with my parents cat. Compared to Toby, Dex (whom I love and adore too) is a huge honkin' thing. When he bares his teeth and growls (cats can growl...who'd have thunk?) he is down right scary. So the transition hasn't been totally smooth for Toby and Dex. They have 15 more days to get it right though!

I was catching up on some posts today and I just want everyone to know that while some of you have some really big stuff going on I always appreciate that you take the time to stop by here and leave a comment for me. It isn't a big secret that I haven't been happy with my lot in life for the last several months, but I feel so much better and at peace about things. I'm hoping to return to my normal self (blogging self included!) soon. I hope that y'all are doing well and taking care!

12:41

It is after midnight. Where should I be...bed. Where am I...in front of the computer. My body is tired and begging for bed, but I can not shut my mind off. There are so many things rattling around up there.

I'm worried that I won't find another job and I'll be stuck in the hell that is where I work.

I'm frustrated because I'm not in control right now. I hate having any of my ducks out of a row and right now the job duckie (a huge duckie) is missing altogether.

I'm disappointed in myself that I hate where I am and while I'm making efforts to change where I am and daily trying to find the positive I still hate where I am. I hate that I hate it.

I'm excited about an upcoming vacation (to Amman, Jordan this Christmas!)

I'm trying to stay in perspective when it comes to this guy. My emotions are trying to run wild, but my head (and mother) are shouting back perspective perspective perspective.

My bed is calling and I really should return. I still feel like sleep is a long way off, but perhaps I'll rest more if I'm under the covers with the lights out.

Mind...go to sleep!

Breathing No Longer

My friend Nina isn't just a fellow blogger, but a friend and co-worker. The other day as I was cutting through her room she said, "Are you done breathing yet?" Well, yeah...I'm done breathing.

I've missed my blog and I've missed all my readers! Thank you so much for the encouraging emails and everyone who still stopped by to check in on me. Y'all are the best! Now, how to catch everyone up on what has been happening in my life in the most concise way possible? Several of you know that I can just go on and on about practically nothing... There were several reasons as to why I needed a little down time so I'm just going to give you a brief run down. I promise...brief!

Work...lots of things fall under this heading. Isn't if funny how if you aren't careful work can completely take over your life? This is sort of what happened to me.

Professional Learning Communities...Of The Devil
Okay, some of my fellow teachers may have heard of PLCs. Under it all, PLCs are a wonderful thing. I really do believe in them. PLC means working together as a school and group of professionals to see those kids as "ours" rather than just "mine". It is a very student-centered approach to teaching. The only down side...it is so much data and paperwork! Our district decided that everyone would do this and like it (seriously...a couple of complainers have gotten professional letters of reprimand put in their personnel folders...wtf?) and get it the first time around. Well, let me tell you...doing it takes a lot of time, no one really likes it, and getting it the first time is incredibly hard. It might have been easier if this was the only new thing out district was trying...but it wasn't. Picture me in a batting cage with one very small mitt. Now picture the ball thingy going crazy and firing hard balls every second. Yeah, that is me. Most days when someone comes to my door, I just want to hide under my desk! Believe me, even if I close my eyes they can still see me.

My Bleepty Bleep Principal
The woman hates me! I don't know why and I've stopped trying to figure it out. I had my annual evaluation and well...I'm jumping through a lot of hoops right now. She waited until the very last minute (seriously...Thursday 3:15 was the deadline and she came at 2:10-3:00 on Thursday) and showed up during end of the nine weeks testing. It was in my lesson plans that I would be working one-on-one with testing students and the others would be doing worksheets to keep busy and quiet. Well is it any wonder that she didn't see me teaching? Also, if you're a teacher you know that during reading testing it needs to be quiet. I made one student move closer to me because of behavior (he wasn't working) and I told two others to sit and read. Yes, I didn't hold their hands and plead with them to be quiet and work, but rather quickly and efficiently told them to sit down and get busy reading. Well, apparently my principal doesn't like how I use rules and consequences to manage my classroom. I feel you sighing and rolling your eyes. Anyway, I'm jumping through some hoops for her at the moment. Several people have told me to appeal the evaluation, but it just doesn't seem worth it at the moment. Sometimes it is just not worth the fight.

Updating My Resume and Job Hunting
With the above, is it any stretch to see how I'm looking to leave this district? Now, I'm not expecting perfection somewhere else and I'm not afraid of hard work, but geez I can't take working in this environment any longer. I've been told that not all districts are like this and I shouldn't give up teaching until I've been where it is good. I love teaching and it was a pretty sharp slap in the face when I questioned whether I wanted to continue doing it. So, I've updated the resume and I'm applying all over the place and now I wait to see if I get a nibble. I hate the waiting part!

Relay For Life Captain
Against my will (sorta) and against my better judgement (seriously) I took on the job of co-captaining our school's Relay For Life team. This is a wonderful event for a really good cause, but what was I thinking?! If you've ever headed up a group or team you know that it is almost like pulling teeth to get people to give of their valuable time to join the team, fund raise, and then participate in the actual event. I just felt overwhelmed. I still feel overwhelmed. But I've got a team (a wonderful team!) who help plan fundraisers and are in the trenches with me. And thank goodness it is all over in April!

Biggest Loser Club
At school, a group of us decided to do a little Biggest Loser at school. We donate $8 a month and the person who loses the most by the end of May gets the kitty...the over $500 kitty! I don't know exactly how it happened, but I'm the secretary. It isn't a hard job at all (just send out the weigh-in reminders) but it is one more thing to remember. I even forgot last week...shame shame. Anyway, I'm having fun with the club. We encourage each other and we've started walking one mile each day. Once you push past the initial pain...it's all gravy. Or so we tell ourselves!

Personal...or basically everything else.

Moving
Well, if I'm applying all over the place and assuming that I will get a nibble somewhere else means that a move is in my near future. I hate moving! I've only done it once but that was enough. I have a lot of stuff for a 26 year old. The thought of packing it up and finding another place to put it is very daunting. Yeah, just daunting.

Money
Ugh, how come bills come with being a grown up? I've been trying really hard to stick with my monthly budget (I haven't bought a new purse or shoes in many moons...) and save has become my mantra. That whole moving process...not cheap! Also, I have some big trips that I want to take (visit a friend in Jordan next year and maybe take another cruise). I also want (won't say need because mine is still working and running smoothly) to get a new car. For some reason, most people don't accept smiles and words of kindness. Also, for the last few months I've had outrageous energy bills. I couldn't figure out why since I was leaving the thermostat alone and either taking clothes off or putting more clothes on to be comfortable, but the bills were still over $200! Well, I called and the first thing they asked me was, "Have you changed your air filters lately?" I didn't know what the air filter was let alone where it was located in my house...seriously I thought it was the thing outside. Anyway, can you guess how long it had been since they'd been changed considering I didn't even know where it was located?! Let's see...I've lived here for almost two years. Yep, it was pretty darn gross. So, here is to hoping that my bill goes back down ASAP!

Social Calendar
I like hanging out with my friends, but I love alone time too. Well, I'd gotten a little bit out of whack. I wasn't spending enough time alone. It is great that I can go out and hang with friends, but I wasn't getting enough time to just recharge and rest. My battery was on E. I'm a people person so it was hard at first to say no, but now I'm pretty good at it. I've found the balance between enjoying being a homebody and the social butterfly. Thank goodness!

Missing My Parents
It was great being with my family over the holidays. I've been completely blessed to have such a great relationship with parents. Once I came home after the holidays and my life seemed to just implode, I really hated that they were over 5 hours away. Coming for a little pick me up visit was out of the question and getting home wasn't an option either. Being only a phone call away isn't much comfort and is a poor substitute for warm hugs. Thankfully, I'm seeing them this coming weekend and in two weeks it is Spring Break, and before I know it summer will be here. This has just been a long stretch.

Dental Surgery
Last August, my dentist told me that I'd need to have my four wisdom teeth removed or I'd risk ruining my smile. Of course it couldn't be routine...my wisdom teeth lay sideways instead of sitting up normally. So, that means some dental surgery this summer. Luckily, I discovered that I signed up for dental insurance (a total mistake by the way!) so 80% is covered. That is sort of a relief, but the thought of being put to sleep...I'm not comfortable with it.

There you go. Aren't you glad you just read about it and weren't living it?!

What To Call This...

***Disclaimer: This isn't a post to put anyone in a good mood. If you're on a happy high, well...first I envy the hell out of you right this minute, but you might want to stop reading. This post will be filled with self-doubt and probably a smidgen of self-pity thrown in. Read at your own risk.***

Today was not one of my better days. Being out yesterday really threw me off. This week is packed with activities and programs along with all the learning still expected to take place. Also, my being out was unexpected so my desk wasn't ready for a sub to sit down at and the meticulous plans that I normally leave were no where to be found. I have an emergency folder, but it is basically busy work. Anyway, yesterday the teacher that normally helps out my sub did what she could to keep things rolling. Also, another teacher tossed out a few ideas too. And this is the root of the whole problem.

When I'm out I want my sub to maintain my kids where they are...not introduce and teach them more. I'm sure some teachers reading this will completely disagree and some will understand exactly what I'm talking about here. I truly believe that it is a personal preference and doesn't mean that I'm a horrible teacher.

Just to keep things as clear as possible, lets say that K is the teacher I want helping my sub and kids the most and B is the other one. It is also fair to say that B and I don't share the same philosophy when it comes to subs and teaching. She instructed the sub to introduce a new topic and to do guided reading with my kids. These are two things that I would never ask a sub to do. K knew this. Yesterday wasn't the best day for my kids or for the sub. I'm not saying the sub did a bad job teaching, but he did things very differently from me and two people today told me that he was teaching an important concept wrong.

This is the part that I handled badly. I believe that when you are wrong you should say it, apologize, and move on. When I found out B was the one who asked him to do these things I became frustrated. There is a lot of background that I won't get into, but I wish she'd just let K handle things. When I saw her I snapped at her. She was being nothing but friendly this morning. She asked me what I was doing (and at the time I was putting treats in teachers' boxes) and I waved my hand in a dismissive gesture and said, "Passing things out." Yes, I snapped at her for something very minor. As soon as I did it, I regretted it and knew that it had probably hurt her feelings. I also knew she was pissed at me so I thought I'd let it go for a while and talk to her at the end of the day.

This afternoon I knew that I needed to apologize for my behavior this morning, but I also needed to talk to her and explain why I was upset about what she'd told the sub to do. I apologized and probably wasn't as appreciative of the fact that she was trying to help. Well, she let me have it when it was her turn to talk. I'm sure I deserved to hear that I need to think before I speak and probably that I should just be appreciative that someone was looking out for my kids in my absence. What I wasn't prepared for was her attack on my character, commitment to teaching, and professionalism. It hurts just having those words playing in my head so I'm not sure I can put them all down in writing. Besides, what if they are all true and then you fine people will know some horrible truth about me.

Apparently, I rub on her last nerve as much as she rubs on mine. This was the perfect opportunity for her to let me have it. I'm sure she felt justified. Either way, I really didn't do much except stand there and take it. Well, I shouldn't say that I took it all...I did fire back a few choice words. And then that just seemed to add credit to her assault. Anyway, when I left I was near tears and I'm not sure what she felt exactly. Back in my room, I was waging an internal battle. On one hand, I knew that the hurtful things she said were not all true. Actually very little of what she said was true, but it hurt all the same. Then on the other hand, I was filled with a lot of self-doubt. What if what she said was really true and I'm just in denial about it? This is a time when one of those compliment jars would come in so handy!

So, tomorrow morning at 7:30 I have to walk into our weekly team meeting and start to try and alter some of these perceptions she has of me. I can only keep in mind that tomorrow is a new day...or so they say. I know that I have things I can do to send more peaceful thoughts down our hallway, but we all do. As K said, it is time to kill her with kindness (even if I think at the moment that might kill me!).

Bits And Pieces

Though I should really call this post "It Is All Lori's Fault!". I'm going to fill you in on all the little things that prompted the post below, but I thought I'd start with the big things first. So, again it is all Lori's fault! A few weeks ago, she was posting about having snake troubles at her house. I left a comment jokingly saying that I was going to have to stop reading her blog because I was scared this might somehow become something at my house. (Side note: Lori and I are surprisingly alike in a lot of ways so I figured it was only natural!) So, anyone making a guess about what I'm fixing to relate?! Let's all say it together...it is all Lori's fault! Yes, dear readers, I had an experience with a snake.

I usually work late on Fridays at school unless I have plans. I like getting settled for the next week without having to wag all that stuff home. Well, I didn't make it home until close to 7pm. It was already getting dark, but thankfully the porch light came on when I pulled up. (I just replaced the motion censor bulb...thank heavens!) I was busy looking for my keys as I started up the porch steps when I felt (yes...it slithered over my foot!) something go over the toe of my shoe (which were the full coverage running shoe type) and then I heard the slither sound. I continued up the steps thinking it was a lizard. I've had those before remember? Anyway, I turned to look because I was still hearing the slither. That is when I saw it. I stopped and just stared. I didn't scream except in my head. It stopped and tried to blend in with some leaves. I left it down there and hurried on into my house...where I promptly went hysterical.

I called my mom and reached her voicemail. I'm sure the message I left will be quite funny at some later point! Anyway, then I did the mad search of my house to make sure there weren't any in my house. As I flung back the shower curtain, cautiously peeked under the toilet lid, and felt up the foot of my bed I kept telling myself that there is no way that snakes can get into my house. Now before you try to educate me, I'd like to just say that I prefer ignorance people! My mom already explained the awful truth but let me just be blissfully ignorant okay?!

I've already peeked out on the porch and can't see anything amiss, but I can tell you that it will be a quick hop off the bottom step and run to my car when I go out later! Compared to that experience the rest of the week has been a piece of cake.

At work, our team had decided to do secret Santas instead of getting everyone on the team a present. I loved the idea! There is something about a lot of little holiday happiness gifts along the way. Anyway, our campus decided to do this too. I'm a giver so what can I say, I signed up for that one too! It probably isn't a secret but there is a small group of ladies at work that really work over my nerves and I had been hoping that I wouldn't draw one of their names. Wouldn't you know I did. I decided that God probably had a hand in that pick. I know that you can give without wanting to, but you lack that good feeling when you do. So, I decided to focus on the fact that I do enjoy giving and I'm going to proceed with holiday spirit. It also doesn't hurt that my secret Santa is fabulous! I've gotten two gifts this week that have been perfect (purple pens and a cooking magazine) and I had a thought that what if one of those ladies is being Santa for me. They are doing a great job and perhaps this is the season to just let those frustrations go. If you only knew how big of a decision that is for me...I'm not a let-it-go kind of girl by nature. So, it is true. Giving with a joyful heart feels pretty darn good!

Isn't it funny how you have the whole month of December to fill with holiday events, but they all seem to culminate in one week?! Here is what my calendar looks like for next week:
Monday: Wrap Bunco gifts (I'm the hostess this month...seriously what was I thinking when I agreed to that!)
Tuesday: Take off the afternoon to cook the meal for Bunco (another hostess responsibility) and get everything taken to Bunco location and set up.
Wednesday: Staff development (which probably means more work dumped in my lap if I go by previous staff development days)
Thursday: Christmas concert
Friday: Work Christmas party (except without the happy hour out with the girls unlike last year. It made it more fun, but I'm sure it played a part in myself getting up for the Christmas carol singing game...)
Saturday: Another Christmas concert and then a sleepover in Houston

Throw in some holiday baking and present wrapping and the week is incredibly full. I've felt a little bad because I haven't been reading and commenting like I normally do, but it seems like everyone is busy this time of year. Last night I made the commenting rounds and I'm glad to read that most of you are enjoying the holiday season! As crazy as this time of year is, it is still one of my absolute favorites!

Cranky Baby

Here is a hodge podge of the week so far:

Fall Cleaning Project: Crap still in my living room, but the spare room is vacuumed, furniture arranged, bathroom scrubbed and smells fresh. I'm going to deviate from the plan and move all this crap back into the room but in sections so I can organize in there. I can't stand this crap in my living room!

Funny Kid Quotes: I'm beginning to wonder if these kids are as funny as my group last year. Maybe I just need to listen harder?!

Teacher: (whose back was turned to the board, writing) "Oh, who said evaporation?"
Student: "Uhh, no one Ms. Stewart. I think you're hearing things!"

Teacher: (who has some natural curl and when I'm in a rush I just spritz it with my curl vamp stuff and my hair has this total bed-head quality...the head band normally tames it a little, but it's the whole mess look)
Student: "Ms. Stewart did you forget to comb your hair today?"

Health Stuff: Last week I got some water in my ear during my shower. I tried to shake it out, but with little success. Anyway, now I hear like I have cotton in my ear. It's just been annoying, but not it is starting to hurt. I was one "cranky baby" this afternoon. I've got an appointment with my doctor on Thursday afternoon, but I'm willing to try shoving my key in my ear. Anything to pop that bubble!

My Co-Captain-ness: My friend Niners and I are co-captains for our school's Relay For Life team. Tonight was our first meeting and I have to admit that I'm a little overwhelmed by it all. Our theme this year is Monopoly. Each site will be a place on the board. We're not going for the popular ones (Boardwalk and Park Place) so we're looking for one with creative possibilities. Any ideas?!

Venting Update: After speaking to another teacher and my mom (who is my absolute calming center!) I realized that I might be over-reacting just a little and letting some personal issues cloud my judgement. Oh, the principal is still disorganized and horrible at communicating, but I'll give her that it might be because her plate is as full as mine is. Being swamped with meetings and paperwork is tough on all...the administrator and the teacher.

So, that about sums up the week so far. Normally the days go by fast, but I feel like this commercial I saw:

"I feel like I woke up this morning and thought it was Thursday, but it's only Wednesday."
"Dude, it's Tuesday."

So much to do, and so little time to get it all done in!

A Much Needed Vent

I need to vent. I need to vent in the worst way, but I sort of feel like my vent is blocked.

I need to vent about work. I feel very unappreciated there. Oh, it's not by students, parents of students, or my team. Nope...it's my principal. There is a mini history there from last year, but who would be that petty to let that carry over? Oh who am I kidding?! I can certainly hold a grudge with the best of them. Anyway, I have a problem with the fact that I have to work so hard to communicate with her.

I don't need constant hand holding or never-ending praise, but when I feel like she doesn't respect or even like me as a person and just barely as a professional there is something wrong. Right?

Oh I don't know. Maybe I just need a long hot shower to wash away the mental stress of today. Apparently I suck at venting. I mean I want to really get on a roll, but frankly she just doesn't seem worth it. I just want my sensitive feelings to get the heck back in check. Plenty of people do appreciate me so who cares if the principal doesn't. Crap...I do.

Grrrrr!