Our family had some disheartening news given to us on Wednesday. I have very conflicted emotions regarding this and I always feel better when I can put them down on paper (or on the screen) and process them all in an organized fashion.
Several weeks ago, my great grandmother (who is living with my grandparents) noticed that her legs had started to swell. Her doctors assumed that it was related to some medication so they switched her doses, but the swelling continued. Then the pain started. After several tests, the news was not good. She has fluid build up that the doctors are certain will eventually (within the year) move up her body and finally surround her heart. When this happens several things could happen...all of which will end her life. Her daughter (my great aunt) works in the medical profession and said that she doesn't think she'll make it till her birthday (June). This is just one of many things that are wrong with Gran. She has begun showing signs of Alzheimer's. She has a heart condition. I can't help but wonder if the news was devastating for her...or brought relief.
And here lies my confusion. I love my Gran. I'm the first great grandchild so I have a very special connection with her. She loves when I write to her (and I do love to write!). She used to sit with me at the huge dining table and read everything I wrote. She always asked me to write to her...even if it was just about my goings and comings. I haven't written in a long time. Her eyes are very bad. For a while I'd type them out in an extra large font, but lately I've stopped all together. When I turned 21 her diamond earrings that my great grandfather gave her were passed down to me. Every year for Christmas I got crocheted house shoes and pot holders. I love her. But, in the last few years, she has become grouchy, judgmental, and mean. She isn't the Gran I remember.
I'm feeling both emotions...but mainly just relieved. Along with that comes shame. Shouldn't I be angry that death is coming for her? Shouldn't I want to cry and beg God not to take her? I don't. I'm relieved that her pain and suffering will be over. I'm relieved that the pressure and burden will no longer be on my grandparents.
I feel a sense of sadness. I feel loss, but not as keenly because the Gran I know and love has already gone. I know I'll grieve. But today...I just feel relieved.
Friday, February 17, 2006
Matters Of The Heart
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7 comments:
I think it's a natural reaction to the set of circumstances you've described. Sometimes it's a bummer to watch a loved one as they grow old and their health fails which changes their disposition. Keep the good memories...they are the ones she would want you to remember.
I think you have a better understanding than most people. I'm not sure where your faith lies as far as religion---but most people who have strong faith in God realize what's best for their loved ones. You seem to be on that higher plain. I'm impressed by your way of thinking.
As Mike said--keep the good memories of her.
Thanks for sharing this!
In a way, you are being the grieving process...Even though your great grandmother isn't gone yet. You know she will be.
Relief is a very common part of the grief process. When you see your grandparents burden caring for her, or you see her in pain or slipping, those are all things that are hard to see in those we love.
Another day you might be angry. It may be an emotional roller coaster, and it may not be. You may even feel guilt about feeling relieved...complicated huh?
You love your great-grandmother very much. She might enjoy a hand written letter from you now(someone could read it to her)...or it could mean more to you.
God Bless you Steff!
Thank you all for your thoughts. They were appreciated on a day that I needed them.
I'm just catching up having been offline for a few days, I'm sorry to hear you've been dealing with all of this. It's a really hard time, and the emotional stress it puts on you can wear you out. Talk to your family, you'd be surprised how hearing them speak about how her disposition has changed will ease your own discomfort.
Ageing is a natural process, not a very nice one at times, but your Greatgran was and is somebody you are so so lucky to have met and known so well. Keep her alive in memory, but ensure that you don't pull away from her either. It will be a very hard time for you and your family, but pull together and continue to treat her as you always did. My thoughts and prayers are with you xx
Hey sweetie, when I read this it made me feel so much better! I know that sounds horrid, but its nice to know you feel the same. I agree that she isn't the Gran we grew up with and its been hard to be around her. I'm afraid that how she is now is all I will remember. Thanks for putting yourself out there with this post. And remember, I'm only a phone call away, and will always be there for you....Love you, hun!
We are praying for your family. Sorry I've been out of touch, but I'll give ya a call sometime! Love ya sweety!
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