***Disclaimer: This isn't a post to put anyone in a good mood. If you're on a happy high, well...first I envy the hell out of you right this minute, but you might want to stop reading. This post will be filled with self-doubt and probably a smidgen of self-pity thrown in. Read at your own risk.***
Today was not one of my better days. Being out yesterday really threw me off. This week is packed with activities and programs along with all the learning still expected to take place. Also, my being out was unexpected so my desk wasn't ready for a sub to sit down at and the meticulous plans that I normally leave were no where to be found. I have an emergency folder, but it is basically busy work. Anyway, yesterday the teacher that normally helps out my sub did what she could to keep things rolling. Also, another teacher tossed out a few ideas too. And this is the root of the whole problem.
When I'm out I want my sub to maintain my kids where they are...not introduce and teach them more. I'm sure some teachers reading this will completely disagree and some will understand exactly what I'm talking about here. I truly believe that it is a personal preference and doesn't mean that I'm a horrible teacher.
Just to keep things as clear as possible, lets say that K is the teacher I want helping my sub and kids the most and B is the other one. It is also fair to say that B and I don't share the same philosophy when it comes to subs and teaching. She instructed the sub to introduce a new topic and to do guided reading with my kids. These are two things that I would never ask a sub to do. K knew this. Yesterday wasn't the best day for my kids or for the sub. I'm not saying the sub did a bad job teaching, but he did things very differently from me and two people today told me that he was teaching an important concept wrong.
This is the part that I handled badly. I believe that when you are wrong you should say it, apologize, and move on. When I found out B was the one who asked him to do these things I became frustrated. There is a lot of background that I won't get into, but I wish she'd just let K handle things. When I saw her I snapped at her. She was being nothing but friendly this morning. She asked me what I was doing (and at the time I was putting treats in teachers' boxes) and I waved my hand in a dismissive gesture and said, "Passing things out." Yes, I snapped at her for something very minor. As soon as I did it, I regretted it and knew that it had probably hurt her feelings. I also knew she was pissed at me so I thought I'd let it go for a while and talk to her at the end of the day.
This afternoon I knew that I needed to apologize for my behavior this morning, but I also needed to talk to her and explain why I was upset about what she'd told the sub to do. I apologized and probably wasn't as appreciative of the fact that she was trying to help. Well, she let me have it when it was her turn to talk. I'm sure I deserved to hear that I need to think before I speak and probably that I should just be appreciative that someone was looking out for my kids in my absence. What I wasn't prepared for was her attack on my character, commitment to teaching, and professionalism. It hurts just having those words playing in my head so I'm not sure I can put them all down in writing. Besides, what if they are all true and then you fine people will know some horrible truth about me.
Apparently, I rub on her last nerve as much as she rubs on mine. This was the perfect opportunity for her to let me have it. I'm sure she felt justified. Either way, I really didn't do much except stand there and take it. Well, I shouldn't say that I took it all...I did fire back a few choice words. And then that just seemed to add credit to her assault. Anyway, when I left I was near tears and I'm not sure what she felt exactly. Back in my room, I was waging an internal battle. On one hand, I knew that the hurtful things she said were not all true. Actually very little of what she said was true, but it hurt all the same. Then on the other hand, I was filled with a lot of self-doubt. What if what she said was really true and I'm just in denial about it? This is a time when one of those compliment jars would come in so handy!
So, tomorrow morning at 7:30 I have to walk into our weekly team meeting and start to try and alter some of these perceptions she has of me. I can only keep in mind that tomorrow is a new day...or so they say. I know that I have things I can do to send more peaceful thoughts down our hallway, but we all do. As K said, it is time to kill her with kindness (even if I think at the moment that might kill me!).
Tuesday, December 18, 2007
What To Call This...
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8 comments:
First, I like this "K" teacher - that is my philosophy when people are bitchy like that - kill 'em with kindness!
Second, I NEVER leave something for a sub to introduce either. You don't know what you are getting with most subs. I have an emergency folder with REVIEW work! That should just be a given...but you are right, everyone is different. When I read that a sub did guided reading, my stomach went into knots for ya! You mean, guided small groups? Yikes - that has the potential for disaster all over it!
Lastly, you really shouldn't stress over what this person's perspectives of you are - she is wrong & you said that yourself. she is probably jealous of you in some way. We all have personality conflicts. It just sucks when they are on the same grade level and you are working as a team.
I feel for you - just keep your chin up and be the bigger, better person that you are!
Hugs!
PS. I'm not proofing this so ignore any typo's -ha!
Lori: Thank you! I can see where she might be a little jealous, but I am also big enough to admit that I think I'm a little jealous of her too. I've apologized (whether she honestly accepted it or not) and all I can do is go forward. I know K would like you too!
Steff,
I agree with Lori that this "B" is jealous of you in some way or maybe feels threatened by you. I think you can be nice to her - like you said "kill her with kindness" but do NOT go out of your way to make her more comfortable. Hubby had along the same lines of problem you did with a paralegal at work. Just remember...you are a WONDERFUL teacher, your kids love you and the parents respect you. As long as you have those both then you are doing everything right!! You did take a big step by apologizing which is more than I probably would have done so relax, go on and don't stress or doubt yourself. You are exactly where God meant you to be.
I never once left a new concept for a substitute teacher. It's the sub's job to maintain order and make sure the kids are doing something. It's YOUR job to do the actual TEACHING. If the sub introduces material either in a different way than you would, or incorrectly, then you have to backtrack and make the kids do it all over again. I would think that ANY teacher would know this, since I've never met a teacher who did it did what B did. I may not teach in a classroom now, but I did for quite a while, so I've taught with many, many people.
Secondly, I agree with whomever said that you can certainly kill her with kindness, but don't go out of your way to do it. I don't think you need to work to change her perspective of you. Is she going to give you the same respect and do what she can to change your perspective of her? No. It seems to me that she was just annoyed that you stayed home during a busy week so she thought she'd stick it to you. Maybe I'm just a tad too jaded, but I didn't see it as being nice and helping out...I saw it as being vindictive because she knew it would irk you. Her perception of you is irrelevant. Do your children learn? Do their parents have confidence in you? Do you get good reviews from your administrator? Those things are important, not what one fellow teacher thinks.
Go ahead and be nice to her if for no other reason than to keep the peace in your building, and because you are just a nice person in general. But don't feel obligated to make her change her mind. Her opinion matters little, if at all. Don't you think she knew that what she was saying would make you doubt yourself? Of course she did, which is exactly why she said it. You dared to question her and she struck back in the way she knew would hurt you the most. The fact that she questioned your dedication is what made the whole thing suspicious to me, because without having ever met you, I can see how dedicated you are to your students.
PS- it's early for me and I didn't bother to proof read. Kindly pretend there are no grammatical errors and/or typos in the above post. Thanks!
I'm not a teacher, but it seems to me that it's just common sense that a sub would not introduce something new. It would be different if you were scheduled to be out a significant time, but for one day? That's just crazy that anyone would think a new topic should be introduced. That's my opinion anyway.
Oh, and I did proofread so any errors are really my fault!! LOL
I must be crazy blogging with you bunch of teachers!! I know my biggest sin is beginning sentences with a preposition. But that's who I am! LOL (But is a preposition, isn't it?? Or is thata conjunction?? That's why I'm not a teacher! haha)
Hang in there with "B" - her opinon does NOT count.
P.S. - I'm addin' you to my blogroll. Hope that is okay!
I don't remember ever being taught something new by a sub--in fact, I basically just remember watching movies or having what was essentially a study hall...
I'm sorry you had such a bad day. That totally blows when someone takes an essentially cheap shot to go off. Maybe she was having a bad day or did feel justified, but it really seems she just took an opportunity to berate you (total cheap shot when you tried to apologize to her).
I hope tomorrow is better!
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